The Life Balance Myth

Balance is really a matter of perspective. As a mother to a three-year old toddler and as a female lawyer working in private practice, most of the time, balance is elusive. Women are told that they should strive for balance and that if they try hard enough, perhaps it is attainable. However, sometimes, being a mother and a lawyer seem to be diametrically opposed ideas. Often, career and family growth happen during the same years of a woman’s life because a woman’s biology does not pause for career choices. Women are in a unique position of bearing and raising children oftentimes simultaneously with being junior lawyers and growing their legal practice.

However, files do not require the same time commitment each day, week or month, which means that sometimes a four-week trial may take up every single morning and evening of those four weeks. And toddlers get sick in daycare or preschool nearly every month, which may entail being up all night, going to the hospital emergency room or staying home with a child whose fever does not go down. At times like these, there is no balance. These times require one hundred percent of a mother's and lawyer’s time, focus and care. But perhaps, this is how it is supposed to be if the aim is to have a healthy family life, a thriving legal career and good mental health.

The key is not finding balance but in having support and letting go of control because without support it is nearly impossible to do good work or to be a parent with any energy to meaningfully participate in the child’s life. Help from others allows the mother to rest and re-evaluate priorities. And there are many types of support, whether it is with childcare, house chores or cooking. Being able to ask for help and to give away at least some household responsibilities is key to being able to work and prioritize family time. It allows the mother to take care of her mental health, by going for a run or doing a yoga class or by simply sitting in silence for fifteen minutes doing absolutely nothing at all. It allows partners to reconnect because a family member agrees to babysit the toddler for a weekend or even for a night.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg has famously said: "I had a life partner who thought my work was as important as his, and I think that made all the difference for me." Finding a life partner who values the goals you have not just for the family unit but for yourself is key to good mental health. Such a life partner is able to alleviate life’s pressures and tell you that you have to accept other people's help and simply take a break, especially when your work does not ever truly finish. Such a partner will not make you feel guilty when you are barely home and are in trial or in a hearing, patiently bearing most of the familial responsibilities in your absence.

Good mental health starts with feeling at peace with living your life's purpose and not feeling like you have to tear yourself in pieces to fulfill both roles you have taken on as a mother and a lawyer. It is impossible to give equally to everyone at all times and in order to continue working, it is imperative to prioritize and ask for help.