Parents in Practice: How Lawyer Parents Make it Happen
"We may joke that there is lots of time to sleep when you are dead, but seriously caring for your practice and your children does not have to come at the expense of your sleep, your sanity or your self-care."
Being a successful lawyer, nurturing your children, and maintaining your well-being. Impossible you say and you would not be completely wrong. Lawyers have been building their practices, showing up in courtrooms and closing big deals all while rushing to daycare, removing their Barrister Robes to reveal their soccer coach’s uniform underneath and packing lunches while sipping their 3rd cup of coffee at 8:00 a.m. and then working until midnight. We may joke that there is lots of time to sleep when you are dead, but seriously caring for your practice and your children does not have to come at the expense of your sleep, your sanity or your self-care.
Lawyers as parents wrestle with big billable hour targets, demanding clients, and goals to reach the traditional metrics of success as a lawyer while also feeling the desire or guilt to be present for all the important milestones in their child’s life, and even more importantly to be a part of the daily routine: pick up from school, dinner together, playing games, story time, a bath before bed. How do you reconcile both — can you actually succeed without ending up glassy eyed, totally exhausted and on a coffee I.V. drip?
As a mother of two (an eight and a five-year-old), the answer is yes, but it takes a lot of willingness to accept help and an openness to some concepts that are perhaps not in the lexicon of the traditional law practice.
The biggest thing in being a successful parent and practising lawyer is to not take on too much. Learning when to say “no” is a skill. Learning to be OK with saying “no” when that no may slow your progress in your career takes wisdom. It can help to remind yourself that when you say “no” to one thing you are really saying “yes” to something else that you have assigned a higher priority to. Perhaps this means cutting back on being engaged as a central figure in your firm’s mentorship and office culture. Perhaps it means not spearheading that new initiative that will (if successful) short track you to equity partner. Perhaps it means not agreeing to write an article for BarTalk over the Christmas Holidays!
Times are changing and so is the workforce, the days of sleeping at the firm in the copy room are for the most part horror stories told by old lawyers who tell these stories in the way our grandparents talked about walking miles both to and from school in the freezing cold and uphill, both ways. You can find success by helping create a work culture that allows for more flexible work arrangements and schedules. Flex days and time, working from home, starting your day earlier to end in time for school pick up or later so you can drop off your kids and talk to their teachers are probably not standard, but they may work depending on your employer.
Management is changing and talent retention is important. Employers know that happy employees are more likely to stick around and that matters to upper management. The key here is to ASK. Be honest and communicate your family needs. If we as parents do not speak up about our parental roles and responsibilities, we cannot expect any accommodation. Tell your colleagues when you are being stretched thin. You’d be surprised at how many ways there are available to adjust your daily schedule so you can juggle your seemingly conflicting responsibilities to work life and parenting.
Adjust your expectations. You cannot do it all and that is OK. Many lawyers have a type A personality and have a hard time “not achieving.” Maybe it takes you a year longer than you had planned to become partner, maybe you cannot make every dance recital or hockey practice, maybe dinner is leftovers and you miss the client appreciation golf game… it is OK as long as you are OK with where you want your time spent. As a parent, you do not get those moments back and kids grow up fast. You need to sit down and map out for yourself what matters most, what are your non-negotiables?
Self-care — the trite observation “put your oxygen mask on first” is true. It may seem selfish but you cannot take care of anyone else, your clients, or your kids, if you are not cared for. At the very basic level this means eating balanced meals every 3-4 hours (coffee with cream and timbits do not count), drinking 4-8 glasses of water a day, moving your body in ways that give you joy and getting fresh air. It may seem simple but as a busy professional and parent these self-care rituals often take a back seat and eventually can result in total breakdowns, which can derail your career or worse your health.
Finally, Ask for Help… again as Type A personalities we like to believe we can do it all on our own but even Wonder Woman had to go back to her island and recharge when she exerted herself too much. If you have family who can support your childcare needs that is golden, but if not, research daycares, after school programs, talk to other parents at your children’s school who may be able to assist in pick-up/car-pooling, hire a babysitter so you and your spouse can get a night out, make lunches/dinners easier by investing in a meal-prep system. If you do not ask for help you will not get it, you’d be surprised at how many people out there would love to help but would never offer because you project such confidence that you could not possibly need help.
To recap: Say “no” more often, adjust your expectations, seek out resources from your employer, demand more flexibility, adjust your expectations, take care of you and ask for help. Time flies — your kids will be graduating and moving away in no time… you can flourish in your law career and be an engaged parent all without feeling like you are drowning in your responsibilities. You got this.
