Managing a Super-Sized Sandwich

Recent studies have shed light on concerning mental health statistics of parent lawyers coping with the intense demands of parenting while also managing the unrelenting pressures of practising law. Add supporting an elderly parent to this already challenging mix and you can get serious overwhelm for the latest sandwich generation! When we talk about “parents,” “children” and “family” in this article, we are including families of origin, chosen families and any other ways that loving bonds across generations are formed.

The term sandwich generation refers to those carrying responsibilities for caring for both children and aging parents, often simultaneously. This concept, while not new, may feel particularly challenging for us as lawyers living at this point in history (maybe every generation says this!).

An ever-present challenge is time — how do we do our work as lawyers, which is already by its nature time-pressured, and fulfill caregiving responsibilities for children and elderly parents within the 24 hours a day we are given? Depending on the age of children and their specific needs, caring for children can include pick-up and drop-off at school/daycare or activities, preparing nutritious-as-possible meals, including oft-ignored lunches, supervising homework, monitoring screen time, admin tasks (all those school forms!), volunteering at school (or feeling guilty for not doing so), arranging social activities, and dealing with emergencies.

Surprising similar are the tasks needed to support an aging parent, including emergencies such as coping with a fractured hip or unexpected illness. Sometimes the needs of aging parents appear incrementally — a slow and steady increase in required support. For example, when a parent can no longer drive far, in the dark or on the highway, then not at all. The parent needs drop-off and pick-up, then needs help choosing groceries, then needs assistance cooking meals, attending doctors’ appointments and doing other errands. They may need help with housework, finances or technology. Because the capabilities of an aging parent do not necessarily diminish in a linear manner, the caregiving responsibilities are not as clear cut and may be constantly changing.

With technology, in both their professional and caregiving roles, many lawyers find it difficult to draw clear boundaries, as they are always reachable and feel compelled to respond, notwithstanding the “work from home” that so many have enjoyed since COVID.

Another challenge is financial strain. Regardless of the profession’s reputation as being relatively remunerative, lawyers may be paying off student loans, saving for a downpayment in an expensive real estate market and covering the high costs of daycare, while also funding children’s education and other activities. Lawyer parents who had children later in life may have greater financial resources to assist with these duties but may also have to assist parents by covering costs for healthcare or living expenses. Where lawyers have experienced divorce or separation, the financial pressures can be even more challenging.

Providing emotional support to both generations can be particularly trying. The need for this support for our children continues through school and into early adulthood and sometimes beyond, as they face existential issues such as climate change, the rise of authoritarian governments, war, the erosion of human rights, and the cost of housing and living expenses. It feels to many young people that the world is not in a good place. The span of time to care for our children has expanded, and as we are living longer, so has the time span for supporting our parents. Parents may require emotional support as they experience the aging process, including loss (such as their independence, capacities, skills, memory and even language), and face their mortality. The emotional impact may be heavier where there is a lack of consensus, even conflict, among siblings or other loved ones about the care to be given to aging parents.

In other words, the sandwich is bigger, with more packed in it!

So how do we manage this sandwich?

Recognize that being in the sandwich generation is challenging, that it is OK to feel anxious, overwhelmed, overworked and tired. Be willing to look at options, get advice and recognize that we don’t have all the answers, but we can assist in getting better answers for our loved ones.

Find sources of support. Support comes in many forms, including:

• Family and friends (it takes a village)
• Employer support (finding alternative ways of practising law or arranging for alternative workplace accommodations)
• Caregiver support, including respite care and meals on wheels
• Organizations that provide specialized support such as those working with dementia
• Financial advice
• Legal advice re: wills and estates
• Representation agreements
• Powers of attorney
• Services that specialize in elder care (from supporting discussions with aging parents about changes in living arrangements to help in sorting and downsizing possessions accumulated over many years)

Treasure the time that you have as the days are long, but the years go fast. Remember and enjoy the connections of family and multigenerational relationships.

Give yourself care and compassion: caring for yourself is the foundation of every other action you take. Being the filling in the sandwich can be emotionally heavy. Reach out to those who can listen and support you, whether it’s a trusted friend or colleague, a family member who is great at listening, a counsellor or other professional. Engage your spiritual practice or curiosity. Explore the resources provided by the Law Society, the Lawyers Assistance Program and CBABC. Lean into the modes of selfcare that work for you, such as meditation, rest and relaxation, exercise, and/or being with friends and having fun. Most importantly, simply do what you can in each moment with all the competing demands and give yourself a big helping of self-compassion to be served on the side of your super-sized sandwich.